Recently when I was catching up with my friends – the topic came to Swami. It’s been a year he passed away and there are still so many rumors about the organization etc. My friends have always been skeptical about him and always wondered why I would be his devotee? The topic went on for a while as they questioned me and my faith (well rather gently and they are my buddies) – I told them that I have some little faith in some thing good in this world and don’t want to taint it with all the junk that flows around.

Swami has been gone for an year now. I never had a very close physical attachment for him, but I can’t tell if I miss him more now. My only regret about it is – and I am being very selfish here – when I went to see him last time, I did tell him that I will bring Sahana to him when she is 5 years old. I wish Sahana had an opportunity to see him in flesh and blood. Now a days Sahana has a new routine. Whenever she sees a candle she picks it up and wants me to light it in front of Swami. Anytime she sees a picture of him – she calls “Baba”. I just wish she could see him in person.

There are days I think about Swami and miss him. Tonight is one such night. As Sahana sleeps and I get a moment to gather my scattered emotions – I realize that I am just missing him. Not that he gave me any personal attention or anything but I always felt like there was this hidden cosmic thread that he wove through every moment of my life. I never saw it but I could feel it. Whenever I have asked for help from the depth of my heart – it showed up without fail.

Long time back when I used to live in East Coast and spent my evenings hopping between Bhajans and Centers – I collected a list of all bhajans that moved me a lot. I used to call it the “Cry List” – because they literally had the power to make me cry. I lost that list, but some Bhajans are still remnant in my mind and one such bhajans just hymns in my mind tonight.

This keeps looping in my head. Don’t know why…

There are times I feel very disturbed and it gets to a stage where it’s completely noisy inside my head. Multiple things passing by completely aggravating my situation. Outside it’s all calm and silent. I can see things, people but inside it’s a warzone. The blaring TV hurts more and more, the stupid soapy story bleeds my mind. Nothing helps.

I was in a shock today. I happen to chit chat with a complete stranger and 20 mins later realized that I revealed things that I have been guarding for many ages. The shield was off and I caught myself a little too late. Then I realized that all this noise in my head is making my filters go haywire. I can’t figure out what to filter and what not to.

The last sane resort I have in this kinda of situation is to journal. Well, the actual paper journal. This blog is just an extension of what I write. I did that and feel a little stable but still tipsy. Don’t know, can’t think of a solution.

Ever wonder that there are times, where you want to just let it out, vent, veer, wobble, wander – and wish someone had a just a little quieter mind than yours and listen to what you are saying without interrupting every 30 seconds? Ever wonder that there are occasions where you don’t want to hear probable solutions to your problems but you just want them to hear it? Or may be it’s just me who wants to hear them out – out loud.

I feel that way now.

There are times where I get agitated and worried. It happens not so often as I tend to plant my feet firmly. But sometimes I do get disturbed. Change is hard for anyone and sometimes I worry about the change that might come and affect things I have in place. I dig deep into worry and everything feels fickle and fragile. Then I go to my default fall back. The default place of security and safety which lies within me. Wayne Dyer says that there is a spiritual solution for every problem and I agree with it. My default fall back is to get quiet and become present. Here and now. Then my past flashes back to me and I realize how lucky my whole journey so far has been. How many times I thought I was going to drown but sailed out safely. I cannot count them. I feel extreme gratitude to this thing called my life and then I switch back to my default mode. The mode of being in the present and taking things as they come. Because I can’t control what comes at me, but I can control how I respond to it. Peace.

I have come to believe that ideas are everywhere. I think our problem solving minds are always churning away ideas – some are really cool and some are not so much. But I think we are always making them. I also believe that by some cosmic design every time there is a cool idea that comes to you, it’s also given to some 7+ other people on the planet. It’s like our minds are these attraction points for ideas and when we have a good idea – just remember that it was also given to some other people at the same time.

So, ideas are everywhere – but that doesn’t mean shit. What matters is implementation. Doesn’t need to be perfect or anything but any implementation is a right direction. You see all these ideas are nothing but potential for something great and they want to use us to express themselves. If we don’t honor them with implementation – they would seek someone who would.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I have a notebook where I write down all the cool ideas I think would be good. I sat on it for way too long. Last year I had this very cool idea about a mac app which would be like a network point for everything to connect how you read, bookmark, archive and share any kind of documents, ideas, links etc. I made a small plan and worked with my friend Kamal to get the rough version sorted out. But after 0.1 version life got busier and I put a halt on it. I never visited it. Yesterday I was browsing App Store and I came across like 5 apps which do the same. These apps didn’t exist last year and now they are selling for $15 a piece. Wow.

What a waste of time and energy if you don’t follow up with your ideas. I was aiming perfection and the rough edges on my 0.1 version didn’t inspire me much and I lost a whole lot opportunity to have my own app out there. Sorry Kamal – we could have been rich!

So, having a great idea means nothing. It just means that you are one of the chosen few that Universe trusts in to make that idea happen and it’s a big responsibility from there on to make it happen. It doesn’t need to be perfect – just good enough and shipped out.

On Christmas eve, I got a terrible news about my cousin. He had a fatal accident and passed away. I tried to make a plan to go to India immediately, but it was too late. There was no way I could make it to his last rites. First came the shock, then the confusion, then devastation, then anger and now its just indifference. Indifferent, numbness. I have been trying to internalize it – it’s really hard sometimes to think about life in general. I mean I think of it as if there is no ending to it. I live as if I am going to live forever and my friends and family are going to be around all the time.

Death news has only one advantage – it brings extreme focus. I have been thinking about it and I realized that all thinking about his death and how fragile life is – has made me more focussed. Focused on important things. It’s a sad way to get there but I am there. With the new year just kicking in – I have been pondering about it a lot. Thinking what I should resolve to this year? Stoics believe that if we remind ourselves of how short living is our lives often we will be more appreciative of it. Bhagavad Gita talks about how all this is just a stage and we are playing out our acts. This is what Steve Jobs was talking about when he said that he checks himself every day – what if this is my last day on Earth? I think that totally changes the perspective on life and that day.

Now I wait. I wait till we mourn. Mourning for 40 days. Thinking and re-focussing.