The last time I saw Swami

September 19, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The last time I saw Swami was last year in November. Whenever I visit India, I try to go to Tirupati and Puttaparthi. The year before I could only go to Tirupati. Last year it was even shorter visit. 20 days. It would be hard to go to both the places but I wanted to try. Our whole family drove to Puttaparthi and the plan was to see Swami the next day and they would come home back and I would go to Tirupati.

The next day when we went for Darshan, Swami didn’t come out. He was already on wheel chair and because of his sickness there was no darshan. We enjoyed the sumptuous North Indian vegetarian food and got back to darshan again at 3pm. This time I was sure I would have a darshan, because I was leaving that night and if I don’t see him I didn’t know when I will see him. Me, my brother-in-law and 3 year old nephew waited for Swami. Bannu was getting restless. Poor kid, how long can he just sit and wait.

I think we waited for 3 hours before Swami showed up. I was so relieved. It was the best darshan ever. Swami stayed out for everyone and then there were beautiful bhajans. Swami says that we need to come visit him to re-charge our spiritual batteries. Thats exactly what happens to me when I go see him. It was just beautiful. To see him sit there so close. I was drinking it in. As I was having the darshan, a internal dialogue started. I was telling him that how we are expecting a baby. I prayed for a healthy baby. I also mentioned that I won’t be coming back to see him for another 3 years this time. Next time I come around I will bring my daughter. Most of all, just being thankful for all the wonderful gifts he showered on me.

As the bhajans came to an end, students brought laddus as prasadam to Swami for his blessing. Swami touched the prasadam and they would start coming towards us to distribute them. I was so excited because I never got any prasadam so far in all my visits to Swami. I took mine and thanked Him.

As we got out and we heard the news that the hurricane is about to cross over to land in Chennai. It would have been impossible for me to take public transport and go to Tirupati as it was affected most. So we decided to head home and I was just happy that I had such a wonderful darshan.

I preserved the prasadam and brought it over to US for Sangita to have it – as a blessing for my baby.

Now I realize the importance of why it was the best darshan ever. Swami is no more now and the most wonderful memory of Puttaparthi for me is that evening. Thanks Swami for such a wonderful darshan. I miss you a lot. As I think of you Swami – there is only one bhajan that rings in my head.

Filed Under: Swami

Thankful for Sahana

September 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

This is one of those moments for me where I am taking time to smell the roses. Taking time to appreciate the most valuable thing in my life – my kunjus, Sahana. With day care and all I think I spend about 4 hours with Sahana while she is awake. But those 4 hours are filled with fun and joy. The time me and Sangita spend with her in the evening – taking care of her and watching her grow is amazing. To witness life grow in front of our eyes is fascinating.

Sangita does a lot to take care of Sahana and I get to do a lot of fun tasks with Kunjus. The other day she learned to splash her hand in water. The way she reacted was completely out of this world. That particular moment of discovery of something new and how that brings her joy is worth watching. After she goes to sleep – I love to watch her sleep. Completely in peace and security. The way she snuggles up to me in the night brings me smile. Oh and the talks – the early morning speeches she gives to the audience of 2 are hilarious. “Ba babababababa blah”. I don’t need an alarm, Sahana’s nails scratching my nose do a far better job.

I am thankful for my kunjus. I am thankful for my Sahana. Thank you Swami for your blessings.

Filed Under: Thankful

Swami Dream

September 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Long time back, I had this very powerful dream. I saw Swami’s picture and since then I have tried to get hold of it but failed. I came across it again today – hopefully I can get hold of a print of it the next time I visit India.

Filed Under: Swami

How I became a “Pasha”

September 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

A discussion with the HR personnel couple of days back about how I have 2 date of births – official and unofficial, reminded me of how pain in my butt was my last name when I got to US 10 years back. I ended up having the rare opportunity of picking my last name as I ventured to fix my first name, last name mess.

You see, in India, we don’t spell out our last names after our first name. We usually abbreviate it in front of our first names. So, for example – “John Dorian” would be “D. John” in India. So, I am guessing by sheer accident when I started my schooling back in 1979 my dad didn’t think of breaking my name for the school system. So on my school records – my name always have been “Akbar Pasha”. It was missing my family name initials in the beginning. My family name is (or was) – wait for it – “Mohammad Abdul” – and I would have usually written it as “M.A. Akbar Pasha”. But something was off. Either my school messed it up or my parents didn’t think it was important. So just ‘Akbar Pasha’ prevailed.

The way Indian education system and further civic system is setup is – the name, you have at your passing of high school (Indian version) – which is a 10th grade – kinda sticks and becomes your official name. So, less did I know the future pain, when I passed the test with my name as ‘Akbar Pasha’.  And so it endured. My college, my graduation, my post graduation – everything just proceed with my full given name – Akbar Pasha without any last/family name. I never bothered about it either.

The trouble started when I was trying to get out the country for a job. When I got my passport back in 1998 – the passport office was flummoxed with my missing last name dilemma and they fixed it by leaving it empty. So I have a frigging blank in my last/family name place in my passport. That was ok. It didn’t pose me any trouble. I ended up happily in Singapore and worked my butt off.

The trouble started when I got my US work visa. You see back in those days to get a work visa to US, there was no need to face an interview. You apply with right paper work and if it works out, you get the visa. So, I think when the US consulate in Singapore was processing my visa application – they must have been confused about my missing last name in my passport and in order to fix it – they did something crazy. They made another mistake on top of it. They messed up my first name.

I think the software they were using usually *requires* a last name. And here I come without one and that threw the whole system off. So they decided to take the fix in their own hands. And it got f*ed up more. So, when I got my visa – they made my last name ‘Akbar Pasha’ and in my first name added an abomination – “FNU” – First Name Unknown. I kid you not. That’s what I have in my visa!

The real trouble started when I got to US. While getting a SSN, Driving License and every official document – nobody can find my name in the records because I was frigging FNU. There were many occasions where people – this is true! – called  me FNU (It kinda sounded like Fanhuuuu). They probably thought it’s some Swahili shortcut. I felt like when John Dorian tries to say Turk’s phone number using the letters on them in Scrubs! To all those crazy free software movement people – yes, the thought did occur to me if it were GNU instead of FNU I would have considered it keeping it!

So there it started for the next 4 years wherever it required me to show my ID – it was such a pain in the butt. I had to explain to everyone how I have a *missing* first name. Every time I went to DMV, every time I flew international, every time I had to give my first name officially. I was always “FNU Akbar Pasha”.

So, finally I decided I had to fix it – on my trip to India, I decided I would break up my name so that it’s easier for people to say it (Starbucks disagrees) and also break it down. I went to the passport office and got my name fixed. I officially became “Akbar” first name “Pasha” last name. I probably am one of very few people who get to choose their last name. But I wouldn’t recommend it!

As to having 2 date of births? It’s a whole another story and another blog post.

Filed Under: funny, Story

No More Words…

September 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Filed Under: life

No Words ….

September 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Some songs when I listen to them, there are no words that ebb out – just pure feelings. Here are 2 of those that do wonders to me when I listen to them.

 

Filed Under: life

RIP Eric

September 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Update:  There is a facebook page in Eric’s memory - https://www.facebook.com/groups/215300058526767/

Eric LaRose whom I used to work with is no more with us. It’s such a sad day. I worked on various projects as a freelancer for about 3.5 years and about half of them are designed by him. He was the sweetest guy I have ever met. We would talk about Mac technology a lot. He wanted to slowly get into development and we used to talk a lot about it. How Drupal was a good fit for his transition etc.

Death. The weird thing about death is – it leaves you with a empty feeling of wanting that one last chance. One last time if only. One last chance to meet and talk to him. One last chance to say all the things that I have thought but never was able to say about him. One last chance. And that one last chance leaves such a gaping void in your heart that sometimes it takes rest of the life to fill it up.

I feel like that today. I feel like I wish I had one last opportunity to speak to him. The last time I spoke to him was when I took a full time job and we were closing couple of open projects. It was different. Even after the meeting ended we just kept talking. He was talking about how he likes to live in the city and how he has very less expenses. I was telling him about my new job. We said we will catch up soon as I will be working only couple of blocks away.

I feel there are some people I have come across who have been extremely nice to me. I mean being professional is one thing but just being a good person is another thing. Eric is one of those guys. So many times I have stopped myself from saying true nice things to people just because I was afraid where the boundary was and whether it would be professional or not. That is such a travesty because now those good things I wanted to say stay in my heart and prick it.

It’s just a sad and bummer day. I have nothing else to say. Eric I will miss you. Thanks for being such a great guy. Rest in Peace my friend.

Filed Under: life

Khwaja Mere Khawaja

August 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Sick, tired and can’t sleep. The least I can do is to listen to some Sufi music and try to feel better.

Funny thing is in Islam you are not supposed to idolize anything. Because we treat God as “noor” – light. So when Sufis started giving God a form in their poems – beautiful poems – and sing for hours about falling in love with God (similar to Gopikas of Krishna) – they are kinda looked down by proper muslims.

In India you would see Sufi saints everywhere. The one tell tale sign of them is that they have tomb. And that’s a form of idolization and the *proper* muslims call them with various names and don’t recognize them as muslims. I never knew anything about them. I would be visiting my grand parents and a singing saint would come by for alms and my grand mother would give him food but doesn’t engage him. She would be mad at him but still out of her generous nature she would still give him money/food. This idea of no-form-God is so entrenched in her that she can never forgive him for what he is doing – singing the glory of God. Idolizing God.

It so happened one of those summers while I was visiting them – my uncle happend to be around. And as the saint came in for alms, my uncle asked him to sing a song for us. The saint was so happy and sang a beautiful Qawwali song. It moved me so much. I was surprised how much love he expressed in his song.

Then I learned more and more about Sufism and their whirling dervishes.

Moinuddin Chisti or Khwaja is one such saint who is from 12th century. His tomb is located in Ajmer in India is very very popular with both muslims, hindus and anyone who has faith in good. Sufi music is getting into mainstream in India. Kailash Kher made it more popular. And here is a song from Indian blockbuster Jodhaa Akbar – which is a story of King Akbar who falls in love with non-muslim Jodhaa. This is a beautiful song.

Filed Under: life

On the things that I have been taught

August 29, 2011 By 1 Comment

Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood.  - Khalil Gibran

Remember when you have that tingling pain in your leg and you have a busy day and don’t bother to think about it? As the day goes on the pain lingers but you keep it off because you are busy. Sometime at the end of the day you can’t take the pain anymore. But just before you pop the pill in you check what the pain is about – for a brief moment you recognize it and become one with it. You feel where it is and know it much more than that morning.

I think something similar happens with us at mental level. This rush and keep-me-busy life is racing forward and there are pains that ebb in the mind but we are in no rush to attend to them. I think meditation is one way to get to know these things. I think meditation and self-introspection kinda leads one to these deeper channels. With what little time I can spend on introspection – through free writing and meditation – I have found out a lot about the things that I have been taught. It’s kinda more like things I have learned, but then when you are young – the surroundings affect you more than your own self. Here are some observations from my own reflection. This whole discovery process has been very cathartic.

1. Perfection: The education system in India is very competitive. Those 5 years of rigorous college where there was very little to do anything other than studies – I think the idea of perfection and getting a centum (I know that’s a crazy word) has been honed well into me. But the side effects of that is – I have so many half baked ideas, projects that I always wanted to work/launch but never could because they never are perfect in my eyes.

Creation is dirty. I mean raw. Potential is raw – it needs it’s rough edges to become something. But the eyes of perfection can only see ugliness in it. They reject the raw baked idea and what I get is a dull humming of judgmental mental chatter. Not worth it.

2. Out there solution: The strong belief that there lies a greater solution out there. There lies a messiah out there to save me. There lies a perfect trick that could fix me. This mental cog is a strong one. Because of the duality of this world and the nature of mind to dissect and box everything - it’s easy to believe that the solution is out there. It’s an illusion.

3. Knowledge: That all knowledge is contained in books and teachings. That I could gain everything and learn it all if I acquire it. What a hogwash. This is nothing but brainwashing for more brainwashing. It’s like the never ending loop. You can’t eat up all the food in this world, you can’t digest all the knowledge of this world.

4. Linearity: This one is like a big cousin to Causality. Because we see cause and effect, we have come to believe that everything around us is linear. It’s good to have a check list and work through it, but not everything is linearly dependent. Freakanomics tells us that we confuse correlation with causality. There would come a day where all this linear thinking will mis-lead us. That would be be the day we would have to chuck that linear list.

5. Time: This one is so weird. There are 2 aspects to this – short term and long term. When it comes to others’ priorities we are told that we don’t have time. It needs to be done yesterday. This causes us to put our priorities away for the long term. So, this causes an imbalance – where we are knocking out a lot of stuff for others’ or a lot of un-important stuff and the most important things that matter to us are lying there in dust. We are taught to live as if  we are going to be here forever! What a fine trick.

Remember Gordian’s knot? My to-do list is like that knot that could never be undone. Because I put stuff in there which was prompted by my brainwashed subconscious over period of schooling and wrong company. The only way to undo is to cut it open. That’s what Alexander did.

I believe fate and destiny are like 2 sides of the mobius strip. Entangled. The mind has it’s limitations for it’s reasons. It’s very smart at discovering short cuts. That’s how we survived. And I think the best way to feed it is to give it short and few targeted goals. Not a barfed up list of minutiae. The mind works on heuristics and short cuts. It’s time to clean up the learned tug of war between heart and mind. It’s time to get clear on goals.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about. — Rumi

Filed Under: life, Ruminations, Thoughts

The Right to Be in the Right

August 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The soul will emit its blissful waves of love as long as you respond to what is right.

A right is not an act of convenience but it is an act of truth that allows your mind to return to the silence of peace.

You can receive all the wealth of the world but if you have not utilized the wealth of the soul you shall always be in thought that will lead to worry…

It does not matter how much anyone else is right toward you. You are doing the right only to return to yourself the peace you deserve.

You always know what is fully right… Your soul shall always guide you so… It is you that chooses to divert from it slightly only to receive the quick reward.

The one that argues that he is in the right exposes his fear of being slightly in the wrong.

Does it matter what another thinks of you? What matters most is how comfortable you are at every moment with your own Self…

You have the right to be in the “right”. And you have the right to give up any attachment… any desire that comes in its way…

– Seema M. Dewan, Aug 21, 2011

Filed Under: Swami
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