Off late I ahve been thinking about what are things that make me happy and what are things that make me not worry about some inconveniences that prop up in my life.
A lot of my reflection is around my work. How it takes up a lot of my mindscape and how I use it to derive happiness in my life. Like many others, I have been taught to tie up my happiness with my work. Zooming out a little more, I realized that there are two themes that drive this. Productivity and Ambition.
I feel like I have over indexed on these two metrics. Ambition for me has become a way to keep going, irrespective of anything that happens in my life. No matter if it’s a high or a low, ambition tells me to seek the next thing and there is more to it and more is coming and I need to get a lion’s share of it.
While ambition keeps my eyes peeled to the horizon, productivity is what keeps me on the edge to keep performing and keep doing things I do. I am not saying that these are inherently bad or good. I am realizing that I have been using these two as measuring sticks to my day to day life.
I also realized that the actual metrics that make me happy and kinda hard to admit are – vulnerability and joy.
Being human, we are vulnerable to a lot of things around us. We are a bundle of emotions wrapped up in a body of skin guided by our thoughts. Emotions drive a lot of what we do, but our society has put a upper bound on it and told us to keep it together. But being vulnerable and talking about it or reflecting on it is such a rich experience. Of course you will have to find allies, partners, friends and community who are willing to do it with you. But the first step about learning and being open is to accept I am vulnerable to many things and talk about it or write about it.
The other metric I feel like I should delve more into is joy. This is hard to describe. Joy can be equated to many things and we do kinda use it as replacement for a lot other words – happiness, success etc. But the joy I am thinking about here is, something that I feel happy and glad about irrespective of anything outside of me happening. Like listening to music which makes me joyful, without thinking too much about it. Like watching someone perform or being generous with their time. Like a laugh and giggle of a child.
While productivity and ambition drive a lot our world, they also are the tools that keep us out of our bodies and minds. Using them I am always thinking about next, more and future. I feel like vulnerability and joy keeps me here and now.
I have come to realize that both ambition and productivity can be a trap. Kinda cushioned crutches that I have come to depend on. Not in a place to start fixing it (that would again be perpetuating the trap of productivity) but for now just reflecting.
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