Today has been a very weird day. Once in a while I have this nostalgic days where I can’t really put my finger on what I am going through but there is this longing. I can’t express it in words and it feels like I go numb inside and just be a bystander to my life. I feel very deeply sad and just memories zoom past. It’s not a physical or mental longing. It’s deeply emotional and being how hard it is usually to word my emotions – one of these days is hardest for me.

On these days I usually tend to listen to Sufi music. It’s kinda healing. Especially a lot of Kailash Kher. As I was listening to it – I came across Arziyan – a song which I love so much but completely forgot what it used to feel like when I listened to. It made me cry. It’s a beautiful song. It’s more than a song – it’s a heartwarming homecoming for me. A warm place where I belong. It’s a very deep song – Arziyan means “requests”, in this case to God – but in a very Sufi way – where God is the ultimate beloved. Just one line explains myriad emotions that I am feeling…

Darare darare hain maathe pe maula,
Murammat muqadaar ki kar do maula

It is said in India – the lines on your forehead signify the amount of experiences you have gone through – and it could be both good or bad. In this line, the singer, is requesting his/her beloved God that his forehead is filled with lines and only He can fix his/her destiny.

There is just so much lost in translation above. I can’t explain it. In poetic Urdu – it’s just heartwarming to hear that. The song was made for a movie but since I can’t find a link to the whole audio song here it is on Youtube. It’s from the movie Delhi 6

It’s just one of those days. I can’t stop listening to it and can’t stop the pain.


Stuck between Confirmation Bias and Cognitive Dissonance

Sometimes it feels like I am stuck between my confirmation bias and my crazy cognitive dissonance. As I spend some regular time meditating, I get into this mode of observing what my brain is cooking up and how my behavior is affected by it. I tend to seek (as many of us) – information, things, shiny stuff – that fit my mold and agrees with me very well. I can see (sometimes) clearly how I am biased towards certain ideas, thoughts, people, places and opportunities. As I become aware of it, and as I catch myself from digging a deeper pit of my own bias – I try to straighten up and fix it.

Since the bias is prevalent in various behaviors – I choose certain bias I can change. Like try to genuinely understand Trump voters or read fiction or think of how everything around me is made up of just atoms and there is no particular divine thing. It’s a very interesting thought experiment. But this lead me to some other problem – Cognitive Dissonance. Two or more opposing ideas floating in there and confusing the hell out of me and doubt my sanity and intelligence.

Confirmation Bias feels like that warm cozy leather chair by the fireplace – where all my thoughts are dotted and ideas are crossed. I get a fuzzy feeling that the whole world is complying to my requirements. Cognitive dissonance feels like sitting by the side of a putrid smelling rotten stuff! Throws me off and makes me imbalance.

Being the Libra I am – I don’t know how else to balance these two extremities in my life. I feel like I am trapped between these two.