Month: June 2012

Incomplete Me

This post has been stewing for quite sometime and I think if I don’t just write it up as it exists in my mind, I would never come around to it. So, here it goes.

Recently my boss mentioned a very dear book to my heart – GEB and it kinda triggered the thought that I need to write this up sooner.

Ok, so Godel is my hero. For some unknown reasons I stumbled upon GEB couple of years back and since then I am a big fan of Godel. Recently while we were on vacation in Hawaii I read the novel – “Mad man dreams of Turing Machines“. A fascinating book. The writing style is filled with metaphors and it will be an extra twist every para you read. It also show cases how *crazy* like literally Godel was. I don’t care about it. I think all Geniuses are kinda crazy and all successful people are kinda psychopathic. That’s fine.

Here is what Godel’s theorem says – in very basic terms. Geometry arose based on certain assumptions which are called ‘axioms’ in mathematical lingo. Theorems are proved axioms. So, geometry has this set of axioms which were crafted some 2000 years back and based on those axioms there have been further Theorems proved and accepted. This is an exception to Mathematics. Nothing in mathematics is based on pure axioms.

So, a lot of people took a look at it and said, Oh that works well for Geometry and I wonder if we can do something similar with another part of mathematics – say Logic. So, a lot of work has been going on either to prove the basic axioms to be true or to transfer this methodology to other areas of math in 1930s. Whitehead and Russell just wrote an epitome on Mathematics and basically tried to apply the Geometry’s method to Logic.

Godel comes around and proves that any system built on assumptions/axioms will never be complete. In other words – screw you Geometry and Bertrand Russell. This was phenomenal.  A lot of people were pissed because this means that it’s useless for them to try to perceive their ideas and make the system complete.

So, where do I come into picture here? All my life, I have been striving for something. That something is “Perfection”. In every aspect of my life, I have always wanted to be perfect. I know, I know – it has it’s roots in my childhood. My dad wasn’t happy with my education. If I close my eyes, I can see that day crystal clear where I was in my 2nd grade and we were doing some kind of show at school. I was part of this show we were doing. I think we were showcasing the animals. I was dressed up as some animal, I don’t recall. But we were supposed to go up on the stage and say something and stand back. I was nervous probably or confused – heck I was just 6 years old. They gave these soda drinks to us to drink before we went on stage. I still had mine in my hand and I wanted to drink it. My turn came in and I walked on stage with my soda and froze and forgot what I had to say. Someone stepped in and pulled me back and the next kid came up.

That night – my dad, mom and sisters were in the crowd along with all other kids’ parents. I am sure my dad was disappointed. I knew something was off and I know he would be mad. As we walked back home that night. I can still recall the path we took to walk home. My dad walked in front of me and talked to me how disappointed he was to see me froze and how unhappy he was about it. It went on and on. I know there have been many other put downs throughout my life but this incident is still fresh in my heart.

What happened after that was and is much more painful than that actual incident. I have always felt this gap, this incompleteness within me. I am never happy with myself. I am always thinking that there is more to do and more to achieve. I always talk to myself that I am not good enough – just like my dad used to. This is the prime chatter that goes on in my mind. I am never enough or perfect. I know it sound terrible, but believe me I have pushed myself to do some crazy things only because of that talk. Even still I don’t think I am perfect or complete.

Recently I started to notice the other effect of this. I would have normally lived the rest of my life with this chatter but I have noticed that my chatter is expanding to the most dearest thing of my life – my daughter. I have observed that I am using the same critical lens which I inherited from my dad and use it on me, onto my daughter. I was shocked. She is 16 months old!

I had to think really hard and shrug that scary moment off. I am becoming my dad to my daughter. I was shocked. I put it on a back burner and let it on and have been thinking. So, this is where Godel steps in. I think Godel’s theorem not only applies to Mathematics but to any system in the world. This system of ME. If you think about it, my self-image is based on the perception I have about myself. This is subjective and highly volatile. Which means that I have to assume somethings to be true to just live. Which in my case is – I am not perfect. And all the rest of my life has been setup in such a way that I am trying to prove that I am perfect. But if I apply what Godel said, I can never be COMPLETE.

This made me realize the fallacy of my logic. This shattered my illusion. Today I drop this assumption. I know it’s going to be very hard since I live with this every moment but I am bringing in awareness that I am not perfect and I can never be complete in a sense I want it to be. I am human and I will be a mix of success and failures from my point of view. And that’s fucking OK.

It’s like all my life I have been trying to be something like ‘Sri Chakra‘, but now I realize that it’s actually a ‘Mandelbrot‘. Oh if you think beauty is in the eye, then perfection is in the mind.

Today is Father’s day and I have been thinking of my dad too. I know I just portrayed my dad as the villain but he was the best. He is the sole reason why I am what I am – in all ways. The open mindedness he brought to me, the learning he encouraged in me and the faith he put in me are all allowing me to be the person I am. I am proud of myself and I am proud of my dad. His only thing was  – restraint love – which he believed to be good for various silly reasons.

I am thankful for you dad. I accept the way you were to me. I release all negative emotions tied up with that day and every day onwards. I need to let go of it to become the person I am to be to my daughter. I need to step out of that perfect circle I have been trying to built around me.

I am what I am and I love every part of it. I will be the best dad to my daughter because of all I am and because of all I am not.

Happy Father’s Day People.

Bummed…

Today I am bummed. After like a year working with him, my boss is leaving the company and I have had great time working with him. It’s just one of those things I know I need to accept and move on. But this is my way of saying thanks for the past wonderful year and fun memories.

I think the last time I felt this bummed about someone professionally was when my Math teacher quit in my college and I was trying to learn as much of Number Theory as I can from him.

Bummer. The same feeling comes back like after 20 years. Just bummer.

It is written

If you are Indian you implicitly know when someone says “It is written”. If that word kinda triggers some far far memories, don’t worry I will help you with it. I know as being an American or a non-Indian you are heavily influenced by “Slumdog Millionaire” – I know I know, it was a great movie but using that to bucket all Indians isn’t a good idea. So, anyhow – in that movie at the end of it – like after the whole movie ends – the last scene freezes and the words ‘It is written’ appear.

So what does it really mean? Let me tell you what it usually means and then we will deal with what it really means. Indian people are predominantly religious. A majority of them are Hindus. All Hindu’s scriptures and holy texts have a theme. This underlying theme has some key points and they are:

  • We are all recycled souls in a new body
  • Depending upon our Karmic debt we are born and re-born in various places as various people over aeons.
  • The fate, i.e., where you are born and what will happen to you is pre-determined based on your Karma.

This is the core of all the spiritual philosophy of Hindu belief. Everything else is just masked up stuff to explain this again and again. Don’t believe me? Checkout Ramayana, Mahabharata – those mythologies are nothing but a dramatic version of the above core principles. Bhagavad Gita however has less drama and more explanation and teachings on the above beliefs.

So when Indian people say “It is written” – they mean the fate is sealed and they have no choice. There is no escape.

I personally think that is the wrong interpretation of those words. No matter how hard I tried to rationalize, I can’t convince myself to believe that. I believe the part that we are re-cycled souls – yes Mozart is re-born and living somewhere at this moment. I believe in Karma – every little thing we think, do and speak accumulates Karma and that kinda propels us into the next life form we will take up. But I don’t believe that this Karmic bond is fixed and it’s all already written down.

I think what is written is – opportunities to escape the past karma, what is written is – risks to take from the existing conditions, what is written is – that unique subjective feeling you have when you realize that you *get it*. I think all our lives we build walls around us – physically, mentally and emotionally. These walls prevent us from our best things that we can ever be. Of course there is a lot of risk in bringing down these walls. There is a lot of pain and hurt beyond them. But they also hold our personal freedom and happiness. They also hold unbound opportunities beyond those walls.

I think that is what is written. The thin karmic walls will try to contain us and protect us emotionally, mentally and physically – so that this cosmic drama on this world stage keeps moving. But it’s not written that we are not allowed to go beyond them. I believe people who break these walls and face pure pain – eventually release all the emotional trauma of being a Human Being. Through pain we gain freedom. Through risks we achieve our goals.

Now, this isn’t me judging others from a pulpit. I am equally a victim of those walls. In fact this post is to remind myself again and again that how fragile are those karmic walls and how powerful is my strong will. I am about go on a tumble ride and I accept this with all my grit and faith.

Maula Mere Maula

Urdu is a beautiful language. It’s known for it’s poetic nature. The depth of one single word that could touch and invoke so many feelings – is locked in Urdu. Shayari – which is poetry in Urdu is a popular form of entertainment in India. People mix it up with Hindi. Hyderabad is very well know in India for it’s Urdu and specific dialect of it.

Urdu is also extensively used in another form of entertainment called Qawwali. A group performance. Now and then Bollywood adopts few qawwali songs and makes them mainstream. It depends on who writes these songs. Javed Akhtar is one of the few gems who can write beautiful poetic urdu songs. This one which I love is from the movie Delhi 6. It’s kinda hard to translate Urdu to English because there is so much lost in translation. But the core of it, I have it below.

Arziyaan Sari Mein, Chehre Pe Likh Ke Laaya Hoon – All the requests, are written on my face
Tumse Kya Mangu Mein, Tum Khud Hi Samjah Lo…What can I ask from you my Lord, I think you  understand
Ya Maula…, Maula Maula Maula Mere Maula  – Yes Lord… My Lord

Dararein Dararein Maathe Pe Maula – Lines of fate on my forehead
Maramat Mukdar Ki Kar Do Maula, Mere Maula – Take  control of fate/ fortune, my Lord
Tere Dar Pe Jhuka Hoon Meeta Hoon Bana Hoon – Am bowing at your feet, have fallen, and recovered
Marammat Mukdar Ki Kar Doo Maula – Improve my fortune/destiny, O Lord