Missing..

Recently when I was catching up with my friends – the topic came to Swami. It’s been a year he passed away and there are still so many rumors about the organization etc. My friends have always been skeptical about him and always wondered why I would be his devotee? The topic went on for a while as they questioned me and my faith (well rather gently and they are my buddies) – I told them that I have some little faith in some thing good in this world and don’t want to taint it with all the junk that flows around.

Swami has been gone for an year now. I never had a very close physical attachment for him, but I can’t tell if I miss him more now. My only regret about it is – and I am being very selfish here – when I went to see him last time, I did tell him that I will bring Sahana to him when she is 5 years old. I wish Sahana had an opportunity to see him in flesh and blood. Now a days Sahana has a new routine. Whenever she sees a candle she picks it up and wants me to light it in front of Swami. Anytime she sees a picture of him – she calls “Baba”. I just wish she could see him in person.

There are days I think about Swami and miss him. Tonight is one such night. As Sahana sleeps and I get a moment to gather my scattered emotions – I realize that I am just missing him. Not that he gave me any personal attention or anything but I always felt like there was this hidden cosmic thread that he wove through every moment of my life. I never saw it but I could feel it. Whenever I have asked for help from the depth of my heart – it showed up without fail.

Long time back when I used to live in East Coast and spent my evenings hopping between Bhajans and Centers – I collected a list of all bhajans that moved me a lot. I used to call it the “Cry List” – because they literally had the power to make me cry. I lost that list, but some Bhajans are still remnant in my mind and one such bhajans just hymns in my mind tonight.

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