Category: life

Two Observations

I come across these 2 things a lot. I find these themes very common with all the Indian people I talk to.

  1. Liquor: Indian men like to brag about how long they can hold liquor! Period. They also brag about how much they can drink. If you come across any Indian and 90% chances are that they drink and if you bring the topic of going out for drinks – watch out next 10 seconds – you would hear something un-realistic claim to fame from them. I really don’t get it. I mean c’mon it’s not like you have ‘large feet’ (If you know what I mean!). You just can drink awful lot that’s all. It’s not anything to brag about. It’s a shame that you drink so much and you need so much to actually have some fun. This is something I hear every day from so many people.
  2. Past: I also come across people bragging a lot about their past. They incessantly dwell in the time period where everything was so good. I tell you, it’s a national epidemic. Most of them live in past. They are just worried about the future and compare it with past. What about the present? Hello? The stories of the past just don’t stop. What’s annoying is that most of the time these past stories are about how much they drank! C’mon let’s get a fking life and get on with it.

Inspiration

I have virtually lost my interest in the work I am doing. The only ray of hope for me is the Ruby, Rails training I am doing. Only because it is linked up to something I have been passionate about for a long time – Ruby. I am an emotional being. For me inspiration comes from within me and the way usually I get inspired is that something interests me, tickles my creativity and challenges me. Something where I can go that extra mile and which will give me immense happiness. Anything which involves a creative solution and stimulating challenge inspires me.

And all this is lacking for me in my project. It’s the insipid PHP code which I churn out which is of so least importance to me. Acceptance of my lack of inspiration is the first step towards solving it. So, I decided to see what others are doing. I talked to couple of my friends and it looks like boredom is so common in their work too. They all were way down in inspiration. And most cruel thing(to themselves and to the company) is  that they have made their peace with it and they are living a life where there is no inspiration at work.

Upon inquiring, I realized that there are many reasons for this. Usually people find faults with something outside of them. But being a strong believer of having all the questions and answers within me, I wonder how much of this is our making. My work is boring and insipid because I don’t like what I am working on. It’s riddled with crazy time lines and unusual end-of-day tasks. I have personally lost any interest in making the project I work on, great. I also realized that not being able to have a full say in the project, has crippled me and my creativity and hence the boredom.

How do other people deal with this lack of inspiration at work? Has everyone given up? Is this common to India, as some of my friends say? How come this is so prevalent and nothing is done to rectify it? Are we so lazy that we have become happy with our secure pay checks and not willing to try something which interests us? How come Mother Theresa was so inspired? How come all the great people of the world were/are so inspired? If my project lacks any public good angle do I usually lose interest?

There are many questions I come across in my mind. Believe me when I say that I am thinking about these, because when I don’t want to code PHP – this is what I am thinking. May be I should talk to some people. May be to someone who has cracked this, rather then submitting. I don’t know anyone who has done this. Most of the people who say they are not bored (as opposed to ‘being inspired’) at work are in denial. They are doing everything to get a lot of stuff done and get busy with a lot of things. But I never see them falling in love with what they are doing. I don’t see passion in their eyes.

So, I am looking for someone who has cracked this. Who killed this lethargic, lazy ass attitude towards work and gone to the higher rankings of inspiration. I hope I meet someone like that soon. Because every day is becoming heavy and heavy and I am dragging my feet.

Backlogged Life

I have about 300 emails I wanted to read from the past 2 months. I have about 500 links I want to check. I have about 3 books I need to finish. I have about 7 chores which need my help. I have work to do this weekend. I have about 4 friends I need to get in touch with. I have about 3 blog posts that are in draft mode. I have about 5 places I want to visit. I haven’t been to any cool club in Hyderabad so far! I have about 3 presentations I want to finish. I have about 3 phone calls I need to make to US. I have to make 1 payment and receive 2 payments in US. I need to talk to my Lawyer. I wanted a massage like last year!

What the hell is going on with my life. Somewhere I let everything slip past my grip and all I see now is chaos.

Saying Thanks in India

Today I want to talk about some behavioral differences between East and West. I have often had trouble with my friends and some relatives about saying – “Thanks”. You see whenever someone does something for me and I automatically say – “Thanks” and all my Indian friends get mad at me. It was very surprising to me. They say, between friends there are no ‘Thank You’ and ‘Please’. I don’t know which Bollywood movie propagated it, but it really has sunken into a lot of people here.

So, this got me thinking. Was I like this in 1999? Did I get mad at people just because they were saying Thanks to me? I don’t recollect very well, but I could say that I was kinda adamant and believed in no Thanks and no Please attitude. So what changed? My stay in US? Or may be I just forgot that Bollywood movie? Upon thinking I could come to only one logical answer.

In his very interesting book – “The Five Love Languages“, Gary Chapman explains how we humans have 5 ways of expressing love.

  1. Words of Affirmations
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

When I think about it, usually in the west – the way people express love to each other ‘chiefly’ is – ‘Words of Affirmation’, ‘Quality Time’, ‘Physical Touch’. So, when people show love to you this way in West, you usually reciprocate in the similar fashion. Anything else like – ‘Receiving Gifts’, ‘Acts of Service’ are not very much treated as a way of showing Love – hence people usually say “Thanks” when they come across something like that. Whereas in India, it’s the other way around. People are not very vocal about expressing their love. They literally don’t touch (Who would want to, in this hot and sweaty India!). The concept of Quality time is no where nearby – as the only quality time any Indian can think of is spending time with TV. So, we Indians chiefly express love in the remaining 2 ways – ‘Gifts’ & ‘Acts of Service’.

So when my Uncle buys me an expensive watch for me, he is basically telling me that he loves me. When my mom cooks an extravagant Biryani for me, she is showing how much she loves me and she is happy the most when I eat a lot of it. So, when I say Thanks to these acts, both my Uncle and my Mom get pissed off. Our extreme opposite ways of showing love really gets people confused. Before I understood this, it was such a painful thing for me. I would dread to say Thank you to my friends and relatives.

Now the puzzle is solved for me. Phew. At least, thats what I think the reason for the behavior is.

Disturbed

I have been reading “The monk who sold his Ferrari”. I should admit, I am disturbed. I have been thinking about what the book teaches and preaches. It’s about finding the passion in our lives and living it. I have been having this nagging question in my mind since then – what am I passionate about? What is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? What gives me happiness? What drives me?

I have been asking these questions from the past 2 days. I must say, I am not happy about it. I think living life in a auto-pilot mode is more comfortable than anything else. This has been disturbing me internally. I cannot find peace in anything. The work doesn’t feel good. Talking to friends doesn’t help me. Unfortunately Sang is not here with me. I am missing her so much. Talking to her would have helped.

What and why? How? How do I know that it’s my purpose when I see it? I am really disturbed and I think it high time that I need to get back to my Morning pages. I used to write 3 pages a day everyday first thing in the morning. It helped me a lot in different ways. It was like I already know what the day is going to be like. Morning pages were like my internal mirror. It reflected what my soul was thinking or feeling. I need those pages now to figure out what my purpose is. Till then I guess I have to live with this disturbance within.

Fiction Virgin

I never bought or read fiction so far in my life. All the non-fiction I read has been good enough to fill my world with stories and imagination. Sangita reads a lot of both fiction and non-fiction. Off late, she has been reading very good fiction books. We talk and discuss about it all the time.

So, finally I have decided to try out fiction. I have a long list of books which Sang has recommended, but I am going to start with – Paulo Ceolho’s “The Alchemist”. I am already in love with this book. I can’t put it down. I can clearly see the book’s cover which Santiago used to read and also as a pillow. Next few months are going to be some good fiction reading for me.

The Alchemist

Admitting Ignorance

I recently hired a driver through one of the guys whom I know. The driver is a 20 year old young chap who is very active and dedicated to his job. When I asked him about his skills, he admitted he is a very good driver and has been driving for a long time in the city. I asked him to get a copy of his license and he got me a crappy copy of it where I can’t even tell whether it was him in the picture. That’s fine. I was ok with it.

Now coming to his direction and knowing the city skills – here he acts a little shady. When I asked him, does he know the city well – he responded he knows it actually very well. But as I see him driving everyday, I am surprised with the amount of knowledge he has about the city. He doesn’t know anything about the city. He doesn’t even know that when a Traffic police takes down his number it means that in future he might have to pay some “chalan”(fine). But do you think he would admit it? Nope. He would front on me that he knows everything. He is ashamed to ask me the directions. I had to direct him everyday.

The problem for me is that not that he doesn’t know about the city and directions. But he is so not willing to acknowledge his ignorance for once and get over with it. Instead he chooses to go through the painful process of getting embarrassed every day in front of me. He probably thinks that I would get rid of him if I know about his ignorance, but him lying and fronting doesn’t help his case either. It’s actually annoying to me to deal with his lies and also show him the way.

I have seen similar kind of behavior pattern in Software field. Mostly people from Indian origin (Disclaimer: I am Indian). A lot of people who have dreams of going to USA and making it big actually come to US without much experience. There by they become what we call – “The google researcher”. No, they don’t work for Google, but they use google  for all their programming needs. These guys somehow get inside the company that they know a lot about whatever the client needs. Once in, they pretend and front to be experts. Which is probably ok – considering the amount of time, money and energy they spent to get there. But what shocks me is that when I reveal their ignorance – instead of admitting it they front and lie on my face.

The most difficult thing for an Indian is to say is – “I don’t know”. As if by saying that, he/she might cause a big pain to their erudite heritage of India. Instead of admitting and getting on, they lie and keep lying at every point of their ignorance. Once admitted, ignorance doesn’t last. If I admit my ignorance, I am creating a space for learning in that space. But nope – it’s too much to take for an inflated ego to admit his ignorance.

I have worked with a friend who was a poster child for this kind of case. I would see him struggle with Javascript every day. Every frigging day! He would ask my help and in case he senses that I am getting  little restless with his ignorance, he would go and ask someone else. But to our boss he would always say that he can fix things with Javascript. This would make my boss’s job easy, but my colleague’s life was awful. He would struggle every day. I was so pissed off by his behavior that I actually gave him an electronic version of my Javascript book. Not only that, I said we will do the learning simultaneously and finish off the book in 1 month.

You would think that would change his mind. No. He refused to take my help and struggled all the time I was working there. I actually pity him. Only for once, if he could admit his ignorance and create a learning space, he would master it so fast that he would never need to ask for help from anyone. I kinda had a feeling that he liked his pain or he is just plain old moron. Some how he validated his pain with something and was ok with it. The biggest road block he himself created for him was “Admitting his ignorance”.

Ruminal Thread

I try to maintain a healthy habit of meditating every day. I try. There are sometimes during the meditation process I would come to a state where I am totally aware of my surroundings and also in a deep sleep like state. It’s a very difficult thing to explain but I am aware that I am meditating, but at the same time I am seeing things like I do in my dreams.

Yesterday while I was half a way through my meditation – I was in such a state. During that time, for a very brief period of time I was asking myself or the Self the question, “why am I here?” and it also felt like I was asking, “Why are we all here?” Then there for a very split moment I knew. I knew why. It was for a split second and then a word came to my mind – “Ruminal Thread”. I saw a square shaped cloth and it’s threads being unlocked one line after another.

I have never heard that word before “Ruminal”, I was so surprised that I saw that word. By now I am wide awake and totally forgot the answer for my question. I only have a feeling of how it felt when I knew the answer, but not the answer. All I am left with is a word – Ruminal Thread. May be Universe it trying to say something to me?

Ruminal adj. of word rumen – meaning: “The first division of the stomach of a ruminant animal, in which most food collects immediately after being swallowed and from which it is later returned to the mouth as cud for thorough chewing. Also called paunch.” From dictionary.com

e-seva the iTunes of bill payment

Apple has a history of not to go with anything that has to do with streaming. Looks like Apple doesn’t believe in streaming. It has 3 technologies out there, which prove this point.

  1. Music – You need iTunes to download music on to your computer and then later put it on your iPod.
  2. Movies – You still need iTunes and then you can put it on your iTv and watch it on your TV
  3. Communications – You still need iTunes and then you can put stuff on your iPhone

So, it clearly shows how Apple deals with media. And there is a reason why Apple chose that way, it works. Period. This central place (iTunes) to manage all the media is the principle behind Apple’s way of doing things.

Lately, I came across similar principle here in India while paying our bills. In India (at least in AP, I am not sure of other states) you can pay your electricity, water and telephone bills through a service called “e-seva”, which literally means “electronic service”. It’s nothing but a wide set of offices dispersed throughout the city – and you can take your bills there to make a payment. Kinda like one place to pay off your bills. Just like iTunes.

I was wondering why didn’t the people who designed e-seva put the whole thing out there for normal people to access? Why can’t I go to the e-seva site and pay off my bills online? Couple of reasons come to mind –

  1. Internet penetration is not that dense
  2. Online payment requires, some sort of bank a/c or credit card – which is just picking up in India. India is still a largely cash based payment country.
  3. Language could be a barrier. A lot of people don’t read or write English which is most of the Internet is made up of.

But for now the e-seva system works fine. May be once all the above issues are resolved then may be I can make auto-payments of my electricity, water and telephone bills online as I used to do in US. May be once we all get 100MB pipelines to internet, Apple will offer iTunes’ online version which basically streams movies, audio etc. Till then e-seva and iTunes are just fine and work.